Supporting Survivors of Sexual Assault, Intimate Partner Violence, Stalking, or Harassment

Most survivors of sexual assault and intimate partner violence receive a combination of positive and negative reactions from others when they disclose (Ullman, 2014).  Negative reactions such as doubt and blame are related to worse recovery outcomes, while positive reactions such as emotional support and tangible aid help survivors recover (Edwards et al., 2015).  How you respond to survivors thus matters and may affect whether the survivor ever chooses to talk about the trauma again.

How to Respond Supportively and Empathetically

Survivors of sexual assault, intimate partner violence, stalking, and harassment need to be heard, have their experiences validated, and be told it wasn’t their fault.  Remain calm and focus on listening to the survivor.  Responding in a compassionate and soothing manner is far more important than what you say, but here are some helpful things you can say to students when they disclose:

  • I’m glad you told me what’s going on.  I know it wasn’t easy to come here and talk to me, and I want you to know that I am happy to listen and support you in whatever way I can.
     
  • It’s not your fault.  The person who hurt you is the person who made the choice to act this way.  There is nothing you did that made them choose to [hurt, scare, intimidate] you. 
     
  • I believe you, and I’m sorry this happened to you.  What you are describing sounds very [frightening, upsetting, disturbing], and I know it’s not easy to handle.
     
  • It’s OK to [feel upset, cry, feel angry, feel confused].  What you are feeling is a very normal reaction to a very abnormal situation.
     
  • How can I help you?  I am happy to help in any way I can, but I also want to support the decisions you make for yourself.

What to AVOID Saying and Doing

It takes a lot of courage for survivors of sexual assault, intimate partner violence, stalking, and harassment to talk to you about their experience.  Survivors are often afraid of how other people will react, leading 1/3 to ½ of sexual assault survivors to not tell anyone about the assault (Ullman, 2010) and about ¼ of intimate partner violence survivors to not tell anyone about the abuse (Sylaska & Edwards, 2014).  Don’t make the survivor regret the choice to talk to you or betray the survivor’s trust by acting in a judgmental or controlling way. 

  • Do NOT grill the survivor for details about the assault.  You don’t need to know exactly what happened in order to be supportive, and it isn’t your job to be an investigator.  Allow survivors to say as much or as little as they want.
     
  • Do NOT question aspects of the story or insinuate that you don’t believe the incident qualifies as sexual assault, intimate partner violence, or stalking.  If the student is clearly upset, then your job is to listen and support.  The police and/or Office of Equity & Diversity will decide whether to pursue the case or not.
     
  • Do NOT ask what the survivor did to cause the incident.  Perpetrators are solely responsibility for choosing to assault/stalk someone, no matter how the survivor was dressed, whether the survivor was drinking, what the survivor said or did, or whether the survivor had been consensually involved with the assailant in the past.
     
  • Do NOT ask how the survivor responded during the assault.  Fighting, trying to flee, trying to placate the abuser, and freezing are all normal neurobiological responses to trauma that the survivor often has no conscious control over.  Just because a survivor didn’t fight back doesn’t mean it wasn’t rape, and just because the survivor hasn’t left the relationship doesn’t mean it isn’t abuse.
     
  • Do NOT minimize the experience or tell the survivor to stop thinking about it.  Sexual assault, intimate partner violence, stalking, and harassment are bodily violations that are based in power and control, with long lasting emotional consequences that destroy a survivor’s sense of safety in the world. The trauma of these experiences cannot be understated.  Trying to minimize or deny the experience is not healthy for survivors in the long run, and they shouldn’t be encouraged to do so by people who support them.
     
  • Do NOT try to control what the survivor does.  Survivors are in the best position to know what they can emotionally handle and what the likely consequences of reporting the assault will be.  While it is a great idea to share information about possible options and to help the survivor think through potential consequences, the decision about what to do next must be the survivors.  Your job is to support survivors, not judge or try to control their decisions.
     
  • Do NOT make promises or guarantees like, “That’s a Title IX violation.  Absolutely, we will make sure the accused is punished and banned from being a student here.”  Not all cases result in a hearing, so don’t make promises you can’t keep

References:

Edwards, K., Dardis, C., Sylaska, K., & Gidycz, C. (2015).  Informal social reactions to college women’s disclosure of intimate partner violence:  Associations with psychological and relational variables.  Journal of Interpersonal Violence, 30(1), 25-44.

Sylaska, K. & Edwards, K. (2014).  Disclosure of intimate partner violence to informal social support network members:  A review of the literature.  Trauma, Violence, & Abuse, 15(1), 3-21.

Ullman, S. (2010).  Talking about sexual assault:  Society’s response to survivors. Washington, DC:  American Psychological Association.

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