Factors Causing Relationship Failure or Success

Understand why your relationship is failing or succeeding; and what you can do about it

Factors Causing Relationship Failure or Success

For a more detailed assessment of your relationship/skills take the Stevens Relationship Questionnaire (SRQ) part of SHAQ

Check your following relationship areas for strengths and weaknesses in your relationship, and read the other materials to understand what is meant by each of these relationship areas.

1. SIMILAR VALUES, BELIEFS, INTERESTS:

• Sex roles, Culture, Religion, Family, Tastes, Geography, Recreation, Career, (almost anything).
• It depends upon the priority given by the individuals
• INDIVIDUAL CRITERIA (Each make own list of what each partner wants in each relationship area and discuss it)
  

2. CONTROL, BALANCE, and CONFLICT-RESOLUTION ISSUES:    

• Assertive ("Win--Win") conflict resolution, versus Aggressive/domineering or Non-assertive/passive styles of communication.
• Able to calm, understanding--even loving, and giving even in conflict situations.
• Equality versus Imbalance in decision-making?  Do you each get your way about 50% of the time?
• Are you each able to look at your self critically and accept and reflect on constructive criticism from the other?
• Do you each value the relationship enough to make some changes in your habits to improve it?
• Are you each concerned enough about personal growth so that you want to improve yourself so you will change for that reason (that is the more powerful motivator for most people)?
• DANGER AREAS: Differences are potential areas of conflict. In these areas, EMPATHY, RESPECT, INDEPENDENCE, and SUPPORT are especially important--as is each person "taking care of their own needs." (Versus "must agree or be together all the time," "you must meet my needs," resentment, coercion.)
• FOR A FREE PROGRAM TO IMPROVE YOUR CONFLICT-RESOLUTION, COMMUNICATION SKILLS, AND CONFIDENCE (Reduce the arguing, bickering, and fighting!)
    Go to Assertion Training Program: www.csulb.edu/~tstevens/assertion_training.htm

3. INTIMACY:

• Talking about emotions and underlying issues (daily, important times) GOOD expressed EMPATHY and SELF-DISCLOSURE
• Romantic, loving, supportive, "you're special"
• Special actions, gifts, words, etc. frequently to say, "I love you."
• Physical, Sexual
• Able to share deepest hopes, fears, and secrets with partner.  
• Able to share important feelings about each other and relationship.
• FOR A FREE PROGRAM TO IMPROVE YOUR INTIMACY, ROMANCE, AND CLOSENESS (Fall in love all over again),
    Go to Developing Intimacy Program:  www.csulb.edu/~tstevens/developing_intimacy.htm
  

4. FUN, PLAY: Conversation, play, cultural, sports, travel, etc. 

• Do you have fun together often?
• What are areas each would like to improve?
• Do you each enjoy some time alone or with other interests, and the other accept it well?
• PLAN AND PLAY. 1. Each partner individually think of activities/ideas of what would make relationship/life more fun. 
  2. Discuss them and schedule regularly activities that will enhance your fun, romance, and life together.
  

5. MAINTENANCE: Financial, House, Children, Careers, Chores, etc.

• How well do you agree about care of finances, children, chores, etc.?
• Are you each equally responsible?
• Is the overall work load (work, chores, childcare, commuting, etc) equal and fair? Do you both agree about this?
• REVIEW AND NEGOTIATE: 1. List all the contributing activities/chores each partner does and the time/effort each takes.
  2. Review each partners preferences and the overall equality of the chore/work load.  3. Negotiate until you both agree the situation is fair. If you can't do it without help, see a therapist.
  

 6. PERSONAL HABITS: Substance abuse, Emotional problems, Physical/psychological/sexual abuse, etc.

• What personal habits do you each have that contributes to the happiness of the relationship?
• What personal habits do you each have that reduces the happiness of the relationship?
• IF YOU HAVE PROBLEMS WITH PERSONAL HABITS (SUCH AS SUBSTANCE ABUSE or AGGRESSIVE/DOMINATING BEHAVIOR) THAT CAN RUIN ALMOST ANY RELATIONSHIP,  GET HELP!  12-Step programs, counseling/therapy, self-improvement programs (such as on this website), church, classes, self-help books are all ways of improving dysfunctional aspects of yourself that may doom you to never having a good, lasting relationship unless you do do something about these problems.  Many people have made the necessary changes to go from a life of loneliness and misery to one with a happy relationship/family by putting in the commitment and the effort to do what they needed to do--one day at a time.
  
  

WHAT BELIEFS UNDERLYING THESE RELATIONSHIP SUCCESS-FAILURE FACTORS? This is the vital point of change!   See Harmonious Assertive Relationships

Self-Help and other resources on this website (and site map)