A web site dedicated to enhancing human happiness and self-development

From You Can Choose To Be Happy,  Tom G. Stevens PhD
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It is about how to become more self-actualized. Dr. Abraham Maslow's concept of self-actualization is still the best description of the healthy personality. Self-actualizing people are both extremely happy and productive. No matter what your background and personal history is, you can learn the basic beliefs and life skills it takes to be happy and more self-actualized.

Basis of my conclusions--research results, psychotherapy with several thousand clients, and my own personal experiences. My clients entered therapy with diverse problems, backgrounds, and ethnic origins. Throughout the book I refer to my own and my clients' experiences as examples to aid you in your search for happiness and self-actualization.

Learn both internal and external routes to happiness. I emphasize internal routes to happiness--changing our thinking to get more mental control over our emotions and life. But practical actions that have powerful impact on other people, our careers, and every part of our lives are also emphasized.

After reading this book, you may never view yourself quite the same again. You can gain a deeper understanding of how your mental processes work. You can view yourself as more interesting and worthy of your love and respect than before you read it.

Changes in your "Higher Self" can have dramatic effects on your self-esteem and life. Your Higher Self is not a mysterious entity, but your inner center of love and motivational power. The Higher Self is a belief system that begins when we are infants. A developed Higher Self incorporates beliefs reflecting the wisdom of the ages. It is a conductor that brings harmony to inner conflicts. It is a fountain of personal self-integration and spontaneity.

Core beliefs and life skills make the difference between happiness and unhappiness. The first thing I did to write this book was list the key beliefs and life skills for creating a happy life and becoming like Maslow's self-actualizing persons. My reading, clinical and personal experience, and my research with my Life Skills Questionnaire (on more than 4,000 people) helped me identify those key beliefs and life skills. They form the heart of this book.

Get mental control over harmonious functioning. Harmonious functioning is a state we can all achieve which is similar to what Maslow called "peak experience" or Csikszentmihalyi called "flow." It is a more optimal state of being in which all of the cells in the mind and body seem to be functioning in harmony. The result is maximum learning, performance, and happiness. Understanding the causes of harmonious functioning can help you attain these natural highs.

Adjust your emotions like adjusting a thermostat. Learn the six CHUG-OF Harmonious Thinking strategies to get mental control over your emotions. When you are emotionally "too hot"--in overarousal states like anger and anxiety, you can turn down the thermostat to gain peace and calmness. When you are emotionally "too cold"--in underarousal states like boredom and depression, you can turn up the heat to get more energy and enthusiasm. Learn to spend more of your life "in the zone" of harmonious functioning.

Improve relationships--Overcome dependency, nonassertiveness, and external control.  Another important ingredient of happiness is our personal relationships--especially intimate ones. Are you dominating or being dominated? How often do you do something for another person out of "duty," "obligation," because you "should," or out of guilt? How much freedom do you feel? How much closeness and intimacy? Have you achieved "independent intimacy?"

My wife Sherry and I rarely do anything for each other out of obligation. We almost always do whatever we do because we genuinely want to. You can eliminate most of the obligation from your relationships, but you may need a new way of thinking. You may also need to learn better communication methods. Try the methods that have worked for us and our clients. The result is a mutual feeling of freedom, love, and intimacy.

This is a comprehensive, advanced self-help book. This book can be read, understood, and used successfully by almost anyone. I designed it for the type of people that I see most often in my classes, workshops, and psychotherapy. Many have already read one or more self-help books or have had previous counseling. Many are in recovery from alcoholism, drug addiction, abuse, or other serious problems. However, people ranging from 19-year-old freshmen to PhD psychologists have rated the book highly and said that it was personally very beneficial to them.

My primary goal is that reading this book will help you be a happier person If you are happier, you will radiate that happiness to others as well. A secondary goal is for you to say (as others have) that this is the best book you have found to help you learn how to be happy and self-actualized.

MY THANKS TO:
Too many people have contributed to my knowledge and indirectly to this book to mention. My first mentor was Charlotte May Stevens, my mother. My second mentor was Dr. W. McFerrin Stowe, an extraordinary Methodist minister, who was loved by seemingly all of the 10,000 members of his church for his great insights into life and his great preaching. He helped me get started.

At the University of Oklahoma and Claremont School of Theology I had a number of professors who were especially influential and helpful to me. They introduced me to some of the great thinkers of our time--such as Drs. Carl Rogers, Abraham Maslow, George Kelly, R. B. Cattell, Paul Tillich, Teihard de Chardin, and others whose ideas are reflected in this book.

From my doctoral program in psychology at the University of Hawaii, I am especially grateful to Dr. Art Staats, my dissertation chair, and Dr. Roland Tharp for their knowledge and help. Both contributed to major advances in the field of psychology and both helped give me a foundation in cognitive-based human learning theory that even today is a fundamental part of my thinking and of this book.

In the years since my original formal education I have actively pursued new ideas in the field of psychology. Cognitive science and artificial intelligence have become a special interest in recent years. In those fields I have been influenced by the writings of Dr. John Anderson of Carnegie-Melon and Dr. Art Grossberg of Boston University--among many others. Self-help writers--especially Dr. Wayne Dyer--have also influenced my ideas.

My wife, Sherry, who is a university counselor and therapist, has been a special inspiration, and has been my special collaborator and editor. Since we met, my own thinking has continued to develop through our interactions. In our relationship, we both started with ideas similar to those in this book, but needed time to "work out the details." The results have been wonderful! When we meet a difficult situation that upsets us--either alone or together--we can use our key phrase that we need to "rise above" the situation. We "rise above" it by thinking of the situation from a higher perspective (see chapter 8). She is a constant joy and inspiration to me.

Our "children," Tracie, Spencer, and Tim--who are all adults now--have taught us that we don't know as much as we thought we did. However, they all seem to be doing well despite our errors. They also seem to have learned a lot about autonomy and relationships that are free from obligation and coercion.

I also want to thank the hundreds of my clients who have shared some of their innermost secrets and parts of themselves with me. They have allowed me to know them at a depth few others ever see. My clients have helped me learn that there are "secrets of happiness and success" that seem to work for most people--even those with very different backgrounds and personalities.

These many people have given their enriching gifts of knowledge to me. My gift is to pass it on to you, and I hope this gift brings you as much happiness as it has me.

Tom G. Stevens PhD                                                                                     June 1997
 

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Copyright 2005, Tom G. Stevens PhD