A web site dedicated to enhancing human
happiness and self-development
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CHAPTER
1, Part 6: from You Can Choose To Be Happy, Tom G.
Stevens PhD
Go to site Homepage Go to book contents Go to chapter contents
LOVING YOURSELF MEANS TAKING GOOD CARE OF YOURSELF Think of a mother who loves her newborn baby. She tries to take good
care of her baby by meeting all of its biological and psychological needs.
This is taking good care of someone. However, many people never learn how
to take good care of themselves in each life area. Loving yourself--translated
into actions--means caring for all your needs and values the way a mother
cares for her newborn baby.
Our happiness is determined by the satisfaction of our values. A simple but profound psychological fact is that our happiness is determined by the satisfaction of our true, inner values. By values I include all biologically based needs and all learned needs or values (including metavalues). If all our biological and psychological values are being met at a level that surpasses some internal criterion, then we will feel perfectly happy. (In chapter 9 you can learn the O-PATSM self-management system for increasing the chances your values will be satisfied.)
PRACTICE: 1--How happy are you in each life area? (1) Make a list of life areas (Examples: Career, College, Self, Family, Friends, Relationship, Recreation, Health, Financial, etc.) (2) For each area, rate your overall happiness from 0 to 100. 2--Make a happiness graph. (1) Take a sheet of
paper and draw a graph. Mark the years of your life on the horizontal axis
and your degree of happiness (0-100) on the vertical axis. (2) Mark key
life events on the time line. (3) Make a graph of (overall) how happy you
were for each year of your life. (4) Optional. Repeat this exercise by
life area--career/school, family, friends, self, etc.
SEEKING THE TRUTH FROM MANY PERSPECTIVES The "truth will set us free."My quest for understanding the secrets of happiness led me to complete a Master's of Theology degree and a PhD in Psychology. It led me to become a licensed psychologist practicing psychotherapy, teaching, and doing research. The knowledge which I gained has helped me contribute to others' happiness, and it has helped me to find more happiness myself. I have not accomplished great things compared to many people. I wish that I could do more. Instead, perhaps my greatest success in life--that I am most certain of--is the happiness I have achieved myself. I am less sure of the happiness I have contributed to others. Like most people, I plant the seeds; but know not the full extent of the fruit. Nevertheless, I have learned a lot from my focus on happiness. One part of my quest for truth is that I use four major perspectives to view any issue--a spiritual-philosophical perspective, a scientific-psychological perspective, a psychotherapist's perspective, and a personal perspective. Each of these four perspectives is like the blind men who felt different parts of a giant animal. One felt a leg and thought it was a tree. One felt the trunk and thought it was a snake. And so on. Each perspective could only reveal part of the truth. Only knowing all perspectives could yield the full truth that the animal was an elephant. In reality, there is only one truth; so, ultimately, each of
the different perspectives is seeking the same underlying truth. Therefore,
beliefs consistent with all four perspectives are validated more
than those consistent with only one. I have attempted to only
include ideas in this book that I find consistent with all four perspectives.
CHOOSE TO LEARN AND BE HAPPY WHILE READING THIS BOOK When you are reading--even something that you enjoy--do you sometimes
"bog down" in the material? Do some parts seem too confusing or too boring?
In later chapters I discuss the concept of harmonious functioning. These
chapters are about how to get "in the zone" of optimal interest and learning.
If you feel confused. You are only learning at a good rate if you are feeling interested. If you are feeling confused, then the input may be too overwhelming for your ability to process it. Your current thinking method cannot organize the input material well enough. Many people keep reading when they are confused and only compound their confusion. Others think that they are stupid when they feel confused. Some get angry and "turn off" out of frustration--blaming their confusion on the book. Confusion is a healthy part of everyone's natural learning and growth process. Our confusion can be like a door. Opening the door and looking at what our confusion is about will create learning. Letting the door remain closed and continuing to read in a confused state (or giving up) will just increase our confusion and lower our opinion of ourselves. Instead, if you feel confused, immediately stop reading. Ask yourself questions. What you are confused about? Try to answer the questions. Break your confusion into parts. Relate examples in your own life to ideas in the book--a light may switch on. If you feel bored. Boredom is the result of too little input and stimulation. We are bored if we are not learning anything new or useful. In that case skim or find creative uses. However, boredom is often a result of confusion. If we "give up" or "turn off" because we don't understand something, we may cut our thinking to low levels and create the vacuum of boredom. In that case, redouble efforts to understand. Even if a book or speaker seems confusing or boring, you are responsible
for processing the information so that you can maximize your growth and
enjoyment. Blaming the speaker or book will just keep you from growing.
Using what you learn from this book. You may already know many keys to happiness and be using them in your life. Validating and reasserting the importance of these ideas is an important process. When you get a new insight, begin experimenting with it immediately--before you lose it. Immerse yourself in your new ideas and behaviors. Experiment, practice, and play with them in as many situations as you can. Find their strengths and weaknesses. Discuss them with other people you respect. Write your own beliefs and guidelines as I wrote my original, "How To Be Happy" years ago that started my life on a new path. Or, keep a journal of your experiences.
The You Can Choose To Be Happy Self-Development Plan 1. MAKE HAPPINESS FOR SELF AND OTHERS A TOP GOAL (along with love, truth, growth, health, and other timeless values that go hand-in-hand with happiness.) Avoid becoming overly attached to any one particular goal, person, or condition. Take responsibility for your own happiness. Learn to choose both internal and external routes to happiness. (Chapters 1, 2) 2. LEARN HOW TO FIND AND SOLVE DEEP CAUSES OF UNHAPPINESS. Learn the self-exploration process to use in following chapters to root out dysfunctional beliefs and replace them with happiness-inducing ones. (Chapters 2 and 3) 3. DEVELOP YOUR HIGHER SELF. Your Higher Self is your "Inner Hero" that loves unconditionally. Seek empathy and balance. Learn to understand and respect each point-of-view of each inner part of yourself. Seek the same deep empathy for others. Develop a strong, positive philosophy to guide your life. (Chapter 3) 4. CREATE A POSITIVE WORLD BY ADOPTING A POSITIVE WORLD VIEW. Overcome your greatest fears, and learn that you can be happy in any situation. Then you can face each day with peace and confidence. Discover a rock-solid basis for optimism. Overcome deficit motivation--instead learn abundance thinking. Learn to hope for the best, be prepared for the worst, expect something between, and be grateful for all that you receive. (Chapter 4) 5. DEVELOP GREATER SELF-WORTH AND SELF-CONFIDENCE. Learn to love yourself and others unconditionally. Learn to accept all parts of yourself and overcome negative self-beliefs. Learn the causes of low self-confidence and how you can improve it. (Chapter 5) 6. REPLACE EXTERNAL CONTROL WITH INTERNAL CONTROL. Overcome too much dependence on others, need for others, or worry about what others think. Learn to improve relationships by being more internally controlled, intimate, and assertive. (Chapter 6) 7. LEARN HOW HARMONIOUS FUNCTIONING PRODUCES PEAK LEARNING, PERFORMANCE, AND HAPPINESS. The harmonious functioning model is a breakthrough for understanding the basic causes of emotions and motivation. Learn what it takes to get "in the zone" of harmonious functioning. (Chapter 7) 8. LEARN THE SIX "CHUG-OF" MENTAL CONTROL STRATEGIES to achieve harmonious functioning and rise above anxiety, anger, and depression. Learn how to adjust your emotions like a thermostat. These six powerful strategies--based on the harmonious functioning model--will increase your "Happiness IQ" so you can choose to be happy. (Chapter 8) 9. CREATE A BETTER WORLD FOR YOURSELF AND OTHERS. Learn the O-PATSM system to accomplish your goals and get control of your life. This system focuses on external routes to happiness--how you can get more control of your time, your actions, and the world around you. (Chapter 9)
THE YOU CAN CHOOSE TO BE HAPPY SELF-DEVELOPMENT PLAN Immersion is the key to profound growth. Learning and happiness--like life--are not static entities, they are dynamic processes. I designed this book to be a step-by-step self-development plan for achieving greater happiness and self-actualization. In this chapter, I provided an overview of the concepts of happiness and self-actualization. I also suggested a most important step--that you make values like happiness, growth, love, and truth your ultimate concerns. In the next chapter you will learn some basic routes to happiness and learn a process for discovering the deeper causes of unhappiness. Study the You Can Choose To Be Happy self-development plan in the following Box to get an overview of how you can learn the key elements of controlling your own happiness. The promise that I make you this. I believe it is possible to find
at least one route to happiness in any situation. If you will learn
and follow the ideas in this book well, then you can choose to be happy--in
almost any situation and in your life.
of the overall health, growth, and harmony of the entire body and mind. Happiness also reflects our perception of the harmony and functioning of the external world. The biological happiness mechanism has safeguards against lack of concern about other people and lack of concern about the future. To make happiness our ultimate concern in life is to align our conscious ultimate concern with the most basic human motives and universal forces. If we all seek happiness for self and others, humankind can evolve into a highly integrated organism that will maximize the happiness for all.
A note for Christians and others: "Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the law?" And he said to him, "You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind. This is the great and first commandment. And a second is like it, You shall love your neighbor as yourself. On these two commandments depend all the law and the prophets." Matthew 23: 35-40 She will likely say, "I want my child to lead a long and happy life." Is it not true that if you love someone, you value their happiness above all? Also consider: is inferior to a mother's love of her child? And if you think about how God created the universe and how much He loves you and wants you to be happy, are you not filled with love for God?
1. See H. Cohen (1997), J. Blumenthal
(1997), S. Cohen and T.Herbert (1996), N. Adler and K. Matthews (1994),
R. Ader and N. Cohen (1993)
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