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HARMONIOUS RELATIONSHIPS:
Index
PROBLEMS IN RELATIONSHIPS ARE OFTEN DUE TO IMBALANCES IN GIVING Many problems in relationships are due to our own belief system which gives us an aggressive (dominating) or nonassertive (submissive) stance. This often leads to a "control" imbalance. This control imbalance almost always increases feelings of resentment and distance. For example a person with a more nonassertive style might begin feeling resentment and distance and begin to withdraw and to want more "space". It is thus ironic how two people who may have become friends or lovers because one is more
"strong" and aggressive and the other is more "agreeable" and nonassertive end up breaking up due
to those same underlying characteristics.
ASSERTIVE ("I WIN--YOU WIN") POSITION It means being sensitive to my own and other peoples' feelings and exploring those feelings to achieve a deeper understanding of the thoughts and beliefs that cause those feelings. It means using open, honest, understanding, and caring communication. The rewards of the assertive position include (1) being happy myself because I take care of
myself well, (2) being happy giving gifts that help you be happy, (3) receiving gifts from you out of your
genuine caring back, and (4) both of us feel an increased self-esteem and closeness.
AGGRESSIVE ("I WIN--YOU LOSE") POSITION Being aggressive (or domineering) generally involves having a belief system that puts my values and needs above yours almost to the exclusion of yours. "BULLY TYPE" Control: The dominant/aggressive person uses some form of mental, physical, monetary, or other type of power to force or manipulate their partner. "CON TYPE" Control: The dominant/aggressive person uses deception, lying, charm, and other verbal skills to persuade the person into doing what they want. He/she may be a "super-salesman" at it. The difference between "con" behavior and good, assertive communication is that the con person is lying and doesn't plan to keep his/her word. The assertive person is strictly honest and always intends to keep his word. "JUDGMENTAL"
Control: The dominant/aggressive person relies on rules or a
"holier than thou" approach to keep their partner feeling guilty and
off-balance. The judgmental person takes the position that they are
morally right, have God or some other power of right on their side and that
their partner is morally wrong, stupid, or some in some other way not being
"good," "intelligent," "kind,"
"considerate," "assertive," "loving," or something
else that is valued by them. The manipulative person uses these labels,
etc. to get control and get their way more than because they just are trying to
help the person. Or, they may take the role of a parent constantly with a
person who doesn't need parenting.
NONASSERTIVE ("I LOSE--YOU WIN") POSITION Being nonassertive generally means having a belief system which emphasizes putting your needs or point of view ahead of my own. Often willing to go to great lengths or at great cost to myself to please the other person--even if I get little else in return. In the long run they loose interest and respect for me and end up rejecting me after all.
COMMON TYPES OF CONTROL DYNAMICS OF RELATIONSHIPS PRACTICE UNDERSTANDING: For each relationship type and each "side" of the relationship, visualize and analyze a relationship
where you have been in that role or position. The dynamics of the "traditional" marriage (note: many in many
relationships the woman is the dominant partner).
The irony is that she may have been initially attracted to him and married him because he was
so "strong", "masculine", "decisive", and "sure of himself". And he may have initially been attracted to
her because she was so "emotionally responsive", playful, so "nice", and "needed" him so much. * She may be used to trying to be accepted by others and please them. She may be used to listening to others and doing what they say. She may not be confident in her own goals, decisions, and skills. She may not be used to being assertive and persistently persuing what she wants. She may be afraid of conflict, while he may not. She may lack the confidence to be on her own and feel very dependent upon him. * The result is that he becomes dominant and possibly aggressive in the relationship and she becomes submissive. Over the years her self-esteem usually diminishes. She may become depressed because she does not feel free and happy to be who she wants. She may resent her partner and feel the love slip away due to that resentment. Yet she may feel so dependent upon him and so afraid of being alone that she doesn't leave him until she becomes very miserable. Her only way out is to develop her interests, herself, and her assertiveness. She needs to learn how to take care of herself and not be dependent upon her husband for her needs or happiness. * He may also feel his love slip away.
Overall, he may be the more satisfied of the two, because he at least has more
control. On the other hand, the person he loved has mysteriously
become unhappy, depressed, and resentful of him. She is no longer the fun,
happy-go-lucky person he dated. She may have little interest in fun or
sex. She may have become "boring" to him because she is so easy
to control and because she has not developed her interests, herself, and her
self-esteem. She may have become sloppy or care less for her appearance as
well. His only way out is to learn to listen to her, give her more love
and control, and encourage her self-development.
DYNAMICS OF AGGRESSIVE--AGGRESSIVE (HIGH CONFLICT) RELATIONSHIPS When two aggressive or domineering people get together, they tend to have a
lot of conflict and fight a lot. These relationships tend to be low in
intimacy, because the partners do not trust revealing weaknesses to each
other. They must both learn to listen, give up control, and
give many love gifts to each other (see below). DYNAMICS OF NONASSERTIVE--NONASSERTIVE (PASSIVE-PASSIVE) RELATIONSHIPS These relationships tend to be relationships in which both parties avoid making decisions and each bend over backwards to please the other or relationships in which they interact very little at all. Both need to learn how to take care of themselves better and learn how to self-disclose, actively listen, make assertive requests when they want something from the other. They may also need to learn how to give more gifts to each other. They also usually need to quit avoiding dealing with problems individually as well as alone. They may each also need to work on building self-esteem.
ASSERTIVE "WIN-WIN" RELATIONSHIPS: Loving Myself and Loving You 1. LOVING MYSELF--A Summary
I (WITH MY PARTNER) CREATE THE KIND OF RELATIONSHIP WE WILL HAVE Operating under the forces of love and understanding will usually win out in the long run. Our relationship will reach its full potential--given the other factors that affect our intimacy level. IF I CAN CREATE A GOOD RELATIONSHIP WITH ONE PERSON, I CAN CREATE AT LEAST THAT GOOD A RELATIONSHIPS WITH SOMEONE ELSE If I am capable of creating mutually loving relationships which allow both parties to love
themselves as well as the other, I become very appealing to others who want that type of relationship.
WHAT IF I FEEL DISTRUST AND ANGER OVER PREVIOUS ABUSE?
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