Movie not so 'Holy'

Film has all the elements but misses mark

By Jimmy Chai, On-Line Forty-Niner

Tuesday, October 13, 1998

Imagine yourself a producer in a conference room filled with big-name Hollywood executives. You are trying to pitch them a movie idea called "Holy Man." You lay out the story line for them nice and thick.

You begin by telling them it is a story about love, passion and spirituality.

The phrase took a week to come up with because you wanted to get in the minds of the executives by finding the right words that would loosen them up and get their attention.

Because half of the executives have yoga sessions in an hour, the word "spirituality" holds them at attention. Your first phrase seems to have worked.

Without hesitation, you continue your synopsis by saying "G, a spiritual man who is discovered by top suave television executive Ricky Hayman and who is in jeopardy of losing his job, will be played by ... ."

You pause for effect as executives look back on their days of unemployment.

"Eddie Murphy," you suddenly say trying to bring them back to reality.

The executives immediately burst out laughing as they visualize Murphy playing an overly-happy and free-spirited character similar to his "Saturday Night Live" characterizations.

"What a great idea," you hear whispered from one executive to another.

"Oh my gosh, Eddie Murphy," another one says.

Your strategic plan of dropping Murphy's name has the executives squirming in their seats daydreaming of potential comical situations. You have them eating out of the palm of your hand.

You are stunned by their positive reaction.

For a second you blank, then begin to think about how successful the movie will become and what kind of cars you are going to buy with the millions you plan on making.

"Maybe this is a good idea after all," you think to yourself.

"Then what?" one of the executives asks with a huge grin.

After a pause, you answer, although you have lost complete focus of the idea.

But you quickly regain your thought process and continue by saying, "Hayman, the hip television producer, uses G on his shopping network as an infomercial spokesman. Because of Hayman, who will be played by Jeff Goldblum ... ."

You pause again for reaction, but there is none. You clear your throat.

"He uses G to get ahead, but then realizes his mistake," you say, as you realize the executives are drifting off.

To get their attention back, you say, "And he gets the girl."

"What girl?" one of them asks.

"Oh, she's in there. She'll be played by Kelly Preston," you say.

But as you sense disinterest, you come back by saying "But Murphy will be in it mostly."

They hear Murphy's name and begin to chuckle once again.

To end on a high note, you pop the question, "Do we have a deal?"

The executives' faces turn cold as they look at each other.

The main executive stands up and says, "I like that Eddie Murphy. He's funny. You got a deal."

They assign writers and make the movie. Your dream has come true.

But as you watch Eddie Murphy give a drab performance, you realize that the movie was not at all what you thought it was going to be and, unfortunatly, it is too late to do anything about it.