Extra,
Extra: E.T. attacks, unites all mankind
Katie
Plourd
and Bradley Zint
Call
us crazy, but despite all the hostility
between nations in the world, we think
we’ve finally found the solution
that could bring us all together. Oh
yes, we have it. We know how Planet Earth
can truly become one.
We think aliens should attack. It’s the only way to bring us all together.
Here’s why.
Every day we read the news and watch TV programs depicting the harsh realities
of wars, genocide, poverty and authoritarian governments. Sometimes these issues
make us just a bit depressed (though we sometimes turn to the emptiness of
the bottle to cope with these bouts of depression, but that’s beside
the point).
Constantly there is some dilemma regarding the newly-found nuclear arms race
with Iran, the genocide in Darfur, the war in Iraq and the never-ending “War
on Terror.” What we really need is an event that will unite the entire
human race.
Aliens are it.
A common enemy, one without two legs, two arms, chest hair, breasts, fingernails
and the human condition would unite us.
Perhaps only then, in some maniacal form of abhorrence, will we disregard our
hatred toward our fellow humans. Perhaps only then will we forget any bigotry
some of us unfortunately have toward different ethnicities, different religions
or different beliefs. Only then will we be united as humans against some form
of alien assholes.
Recall, if you may, the inspirational 1996 film “Independence Day” in
which a worldwide extraterrestrial attack resulted in humankind uniting to
fight for each other, the planet and the human race. The entire world united
in the midst of the potential alien takeover. It rocked.
Addressing the crowd before the final showdown, actor Bill Pullman’s
character as president of the United States declared, “Mankind. That
word should have new meaning for all of us today. We can’t be consumed
by our petty differences anymore.
We will be united in our common interests.
“
Perhaps it’s fate that today is the Fourth of July, and you will once
again be fighting for our freedom. Not from tyranny, oppression or persecution,
but from annihilation.
“
We are fighting for our right to live, to exist. And should we win the day
the Fourth of July will no longer be known as an American holiday, but as the
day the world declared in one voice: We will not go quietly into the night!
“
We will not vanish without a fight! We’re going to live on! We’re
going to survive! Today we celebrate our Independence Day!”
So here’s a message to E.T., wherever you may be: Screw phoning home.
Instead, beam your radar down to us here on Earth, Scotty, and launch a full-fledged
attack on the human race. We need it.
Let’s hope our unity will help us kick some alien ass just like in the
movies.
Katie Plourd is a senior journalism major and the managing editor of the
Daily Forty-Niner. Bradley Zint is a junior journalism and political science
major and the opinion editor of the Daily Forty-Niner.
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