Lift
with your legs not with your knees
Keith Woernle
A male senior citizen grabbed my buttocks earlier today.
Before you get all concerned, allow me to explain.
I was working out, doing squats, and this old man offered to help me. I actually
did not need help, but if you turn down assistance while lifting, everyone gets
very angry and
“ Roadhouse”-like fight scenes ensue.
Needless to say, there are better ways to spot someone doing squats than his
preferred method. I attempted to tell him this numerous times. Anyway, if you’re
like me, you don’t really like old men touching your nether-regions, especially
if they haven’t taken you out to dinner first. So, after a very uncomfortable
first set of squats, I told the man I felt we needed to see other people and
decided to go work out my arms.
But whilst doing so, many others offered to spot me. This has given me the idea
that mankind is at its nicest while pumping iron. No one ever says a discouraging
word while lifting. This is why, historically, the majority of peace treaties
have been drawn up at your local YMCA.
Now, because of its many health benefits, working out has become a major part
of everyday life for many Americans. As we all know, working out builds muscle,
relieves stress, improves cholesterol, cures AIDS, makes you look more like Batman
and much more.
But people today work out for any number of reasons. Most of them are to lose
weight, to gain weight, to stay the same weight or to spot 20 year olds doing
squats.
It is worth noting that the majority of ladies who work out do so to tone, while
many men do so to put on muscle. For men this creates one of the funniest scenes
possible while working out. This is called “maxing out,” where you
lift the maximum capacity your body can handle right up until you spontaneously
combust. Usually your “spotter” will try to say encouraging things
while you try to lift.
Yet girls and guys talk differently while spotting each other. While girls are
lifting their conversations look similar to this: “Gosh, Suzie, you’re
really toning nicely. After this let us do some Pilates together and perhaps
later we can talk about our feelings.”
Men, however, while they are spotting each other, usually get so excited they
have to speak in all capital letters: “COME ON! YOU GOT IT! YOU’RE
AWESOME! PUSH! PUSH! PUUUUSHH!”
Coincidentally, this same quote is said by many obstetricians.
I really do feel that working out is great for the body and soul. I would encourage
everyone reading this to get up right now, go to a weight room and exercise.
Maybe I’ll see you there. I’ll be the guy standing as far away from
the squat machine as possible.
This column was originally printed in the Daily Mississippian at the University
of Mississippi.
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