More
California Gubernatorial Candidates
By
Gerry Wachovscky
Summer Forty-Niner
California's
continuing recall election is bringing
more and more strange and unbelievable
candidates out of the woodwork.
Late
breaking news has identified three new
candidates that will be appearing on the
recall ticket, all having announced their
decision to run for governor of the state
of California over the weekend.
Announcing
his candidacy late Sunday night was the
king of pop himself, Michael Jackson.
"I will rebuild California by declaring
three new state holidays: 'tree-climbing
day,' 'water balloon fight day,' and
invite-an-underage-child-to-a-sleepover
day'," Jackson commented in an ABC
News interview.
Running
on the Independent ticket, Jackson believes
that he has the solution for California's
budget woes, and that solution,
Jackson said, is demonstrated in children.
"I love children and I am going to
incorporate them heavily into my campaign.
Every
California family will receive one child
from each nation as a gift from me, the
ultimate lover of children," Jackson
said.
Unfortunately,
Jackson's speech was cut short as he began
to melt, due to the scorching Southern
California weather.
Jackson
was rushed to Neverland Hospital where
he is recovering from minor first-degree
burns on his hands and face.
The
second gubernatorial candidate to announce
his intent to run for office over the
weekend was burned-out action movie star,
Steven Seagal. Seagal, when compared to
Republican candidate Arnold Schwarzenegger
by a CBS News reporter, suddenly became
enraged and lunged at the man.
"Never
compare me to that Austrian lackey,"
Seagal shouted while bludgeoning the reporter
with a pair of nunchucks.
After striking the man repeatedly, Seagal
picked him up and broke the reporter's
spine over one knee.
Following
the brutal attack, Seagal approached a
trembling reporter, grabbed his video
camera, and crushed it with one hand.
Seagal stormed off, cursing loudly and
leaving a trail of damage in his wake.
The
final individual to announce his election-run
over the weekend was everybody's favorite
little person, Verne Troyer, famous for
playing "Minime" in the Austin
Powers movies. Troyer,
addressing the crowd that gathered in
Sacramento, stood on top of a 6-foot podium
stating, "first California, then
the world!"
While
discussing his campaign platform, Troyer
also announced that he plans to film six
more Austin Powers movies and seven spin-offs
solely featuring his character, "Minime."
Halfway through Troyer's speech, fellow
vertically-challenged gubernatorial candidate
Gary Coleman showed up, apparently because
of a mix-up in scheduling. The two began
to fight, and soon the entire event was
captured on a bystander's video camera.
The footage was sold five hours later
for use in a "Midget Wrestling Uncensored"
video produced by "Girls Gone Wild"
creator Joe Francis.
Note:
the preceding story was called satire
and was not meant to be taken seriously.
Now that that is cleared up, VOTE FOR
SCHWARZENEGGER!
Gerry
Wachovsky is a journalism major at Cal
State Long Beach
