News Of The Weird
Everybody
has heard weird news stories before, stories
that make one scratch one's head and say,
"Huh?" Sometimes these stories
are so strange that they are unbelievable;
other times, however, they are just so hilarious
and far-fetched, that they make one think
that news outlets simply make up their stories
to get a rise out of people. Either way,
in this article I will bring to you some
of the strangest and weirdest true news
stories I have heard as of late, proving
that sometimes truth is stranger than fiction.
Our
first story, published in the Akron Beacon
Journal on June 24, 2003, involves a tale
of a traffic ticket. Seems pretty benign,
right? Wrong. According to the article,
"Motorist Catherine Donkers got a ticket
in Portage County, Ohio, on May 8 for not
having her baby strapped in, mainly because
she was breastfeeding it while she drove."
Amazingly,
instead of simply paying the fine, which
was $100, Mrs. Donkers' husband, Brad Barnhill,
"demanded a trial with himself as the
defendant." Now, why, exactly, would
he want to do this? Religion, of course!
You see, this family's church teaches that
the husband is responsible for all "public
actions" of his wife, including (and
not limited to) breastfeeding in public.
Hilariously, Mrs. Donkers' husband was quoted
saying that "at his next court appearance,
he will make a citizen's arrest of the prosecutor."
Strange
but true.Next comes a story from the June
23, 2003, edition of the Denver Post, illustrating
just how incredibly stupid people can be.
According to the story, a mayor of a town
near Cedar City, Utah, thought he would
have a little fun with the townsfolk by
playing a practical joke on them during
an April 1 festival. Apparently, the mayor
told the residents of the town that a "10th-century,
Viking-discovered island had been carried
ashore by a Pacific Ocean volcano, to a
point near what is now Cedar City,"
and claimed that "by a 19th-century
treaty, the U.S. had swindled the Vikings
out of ownership of the island's artifacts,
allowing Vikings only the privilege of the
April festival."
Soon thereafter, a group of people living
in an adjacent town wrote the mayor a letter,
telling him that they came from a long line
of Viking lineage and that they wanted their
"artifacts" returned. After the
mayor explained to these dimwits that it
was simply an April Fool's Day joke, the
"Viking descendants" accused him
of some sort of "cover-up." Late
breaking news shows that the official name
of the scandal is "VikingGate."
Our
final story for today involves something
that all of us here at CSULB can benefit
from: evading those pesky parking services
"officials" that give tickets
to students
indiscriminately and without just cause.
The next time you come out from class and
find a bright, shiny ticket waiting for
you, do what a Southport, England driver
did: simply provide a letter from your doctor
stating that you have a blood clot which
erases your short-term memory, rendering
you unable to remember where you parked!
Thanks for this invaluable tip go to The
Mirror, which ran this strange-but-true
story on June 17, 2003.
Well
folks, my extensive compilation of weird
news stories has unfortunately come to a
close, but if you are craving more, which
I know you all are, head on over to
http://www.newsoftheweird.com. Additional
thanks go out to all the imbeciles that
made all these stories possible in the first
place – what would we do without you
to goof on? Oh, that's right, we would go
back to wondering when Ruben Studdard will
have his inevitable heart attack as he sweats
profusely while singing songs by Whitney
Houston and Madonna on "American Idol."THIS
ARTICLE IS FOR THE OPINION SECTION
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