He's
checking it twice
Nick
Genisauski
Oh,
look who's back. You thought they nabbed
me after that last piece I did on excrement.
Due to a squirrel uprising in lower campus
they left me a fugitive -- it appears there
were bigger nuts to crack. Well, in any
event, it so happens we've come to the end
of our academic journey. With winter break
approaching you know what that means! Yes!
Santa's greasing up the sleigh, polishing
Rudolph's red snout, beating those elves
like a bunch of migrant laborers, slugging
down a fifth of vodka and chasing it with
a hefty glass of nog! But, before Father
Christmas makes his ascent into the wild
black yonder there's one final detail that
can't be overlooked. No, it's not slipping
Prancer the Yule log before the annual voyage.
However, it's high time he pulls out that
parchment scroll with a world full of names
on it (minus the Middle East and parts of
France) and sees who's getting a Nerf football
and who's getting a filthy lump of coal.
With some help from my inside sources let's
see who is getting a lovely bag of Kingsford
briquettes this holiday season. Fire it
up!
It
looks like the first chestnuts to roast
are the academic advisors that failed to
disclose the fact that an emphasis in English
(creative writing) does not provide the
adequate classes needed to obtain a credential.
To my chagrin, I casually found out if you
are not an English literature major, the
credential program for English requires
about twenty more classes in addition to
the mandatory twelve. After contemplating
decking the halls with bows of dynamite,
the advisor graciously ushered me out the
door and notified me that all hope wasn't
lost. She told me about the CSET -- a test
that students take in place of those twenty
or so additional classes. "So I got
shot?" I asked. The advisor's silence
was disheartening. It turns out the CSET
is the English major's equivalent to the
LSAT, consisting of questions that would
make the most arduous student vomit on the
person in front of them. Did I waste three
years? Only a real scrooge would feel this
way. Instead of spreading Christmas hate,
my holiday wish is that all the people who
watched me miss that academic boat enjoy
their smoldering square of coal and feel
the burn that I do.
Thought
it was over? No way, were just stoking the
fire! Let's find out who's next! Bin Laden,
Bush, Britney. Bush might find a sizzler
under the tree. Campus police -- it's a
close one, but they'll slide. Let me find
the P's. Paris (France and Hilton). Here
it is, political columnists!
I
hate to say it, but there's going be a lot
coal shoveling around the tree for all you
hardcore right and left-wingers. For the
longest time I've wondered what in the hell
all the Republicans complaining about. It's
bad enough they've commandeered my TV, but
give them a pen and it's mutiny on the bounty.
They've had the White House for nearly four
years. They're probably going to have it
for another four because the Democratic
candidates have the collective personality
of a dung beetle. Blah, blah, blah, blah,
blah -- you columnists talk about the same
crap every time! Pro war! Pro Schwarzenegger!
Prophylactic! I write for shits and giggles;
you guys write like George Bush is coming
over to your house to carve the Christmas
goose and scoop stuffing out of the twins'
cleavage!
Laugh
it up you tree-loving liberals! I got a
truckload of Pennsylvania coal just for
you! It's the Republican's call right now.
You're high card's a 7, you have a pair
of deuces and someone snuck a joker in your
hand while you were looking up Hillary's
skirt. Fold it up and save some face. Stop
relying on the memory of Bill Clinton to
get you through your presidential defeats.
But hey, if your luck runs out again you'll
always have a guest spot on The Factor.
Fellow
students, with all jokes aside, I just wanted
to say that...that...just a second. Whew!
Deep breath, deep breath. I usually don't
get choked up like this, but I'm a sucker
for tears. I just want to thank the readers
-- those who enjoyed my points of view and
those that didn't. Thanks to Monica P. and
the On-line Forty-Niner. Miguel, Mike and
Joe -- it's been fun. I want to especially
thank everyone who supported me and told
me to write edgier stuff than I did: Both
Garretts, Ryan, Dave, Flo, Spider in Folsom
and Jamee. Remember this: Life is like a
box of chocolates, but if it ain't sweet,
yet full of nutty goodness, it's poop. Merry
Christmas, you little jerks.
Nick
Genisauski is an English major at Cal State
Long Beach.
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