Blue-collar
brewing
Nick
Genisauski
In
the Sept. 15 Long Beach Press-Telegram,
there was an article on the front page of
the business section that caught my eye.
The gist of the article was that Dunkin'
Donuts was introducing a faster, more time-efficient,
self-operated espresso machine that would
give Starbucks -- the big man on campus
-- a run for its money. At the end of the
piece was a quote by Steven Eckhausen, president
of Schaerer USA, a Dunkin' Donuts subsidiary.
Eckhausen stated that espresso is "not
just for yuppies," adding that "Joe
Doughnut is also interested" in queer
coffee drinks. "Joe Doughnut?"
Is that all we are -- a bunch of amateur,
fat, don't know a good doughnut from cat
crap, blue-collar drones? Why, you're absolutely
right!
I
hate to say it, but Dunkin' Donuts doesn't
have a shot in hell. The new machine the
company is attempting to make their clean-up
hitter is reported to spit out a caffeine-
laden cup of espresso in 47 seconds. A funny
thought occurred to me -- there is a reason
why the customer should stay no longer than
one minute inside Dunkin's. Think of Dunkin's
as the ATM machine of coffee/doughnut shops
-- you're more likely to get killed and
there isn't that distinctive employee/customer
relationship. Starbucks, on the other hand,
takes the time to learn your name and inscribe
it on the side of your very own paper cup
-- how endearing.
At
Starbucks, employees who happen to work
twenty hours or more are entitled to benefits
and company-stock purchasing opportunities.
The employees at Dunkin's are simply told
where the snub-nose revolver's at and to
only call the police in life or death situations
-- police involvement looks bad on workplace-incident
reports. In addition, Starbucks requires
that all employees are well groomed, members
of the Barnes & Noble "biography
of the month" club, adequately versed
in contemporary poetry and can identify
a particular artists' work at will. Dunkin'
Donuts asks that its dough fryers shave
every two weeks, refrain from pleasuring
themselves with the edibles, speak in all
vowels and can identify a potential perpetrator
in a lineup.
Dunkin's
has been a foundation to what the little
guys in the world stand for -- greasy sugar-bread
and the black piss we wash it down with.
But at Starbucks, there are fancy Italian
titles given to their delightful confections
like a "biscotti," which is sort
of a sugary crouton with the appearance
of aged dog poop that's been dehydrating
in the lawn.
You
know, after the battle for Baghdad, there
were a lot of anti-European sentiments.
But I applauded Dunkin' Doughnuts for keeping
it real -- keeping it American through and
through. They didn't sell "Macchiatos"
or "Frappucinnos" -- they stuck
with what makes this the greatest country
on earth -- the chocolate-sprinkle and a
hot cup of Joe! Only until I read the Press-Telegram
article did I fear that Dunkin's might be
selling out -- giving into this Greenwich
Village or Frasier lifestyle.
The
Dunkin' Donuts corporation needs to take
a look in the mirror and remember who they
really are. Born in the industrial grit
on the outskirts of Boston, the oil from
that first batch of doughnuts and caffeine
from those filtered Columbian beans coursed
through the veins of the laborers who would
later die of heart attacks after a long
day of pouring cement or welding steel.
I was willing to let the "Coolata"
or "Dunkacino" slide, but serving
up espresso is a callus spit in the face
to those who sacrificed their health for
a sweet treat and hot cup of coffee 50 years
ago.
So,
Mr. Eckhausen or Starbucks gift-certificate
holder, this nation was built on the notion
of leading and sticking to our guns, not
following and letting others carry our weapons!
Feel free to indulge yourself in a "Coolata"
or "Frappucinno" every once in
awhile because diversity plays a large roll
in our lives. But remember the sleep-deprived
truck driver slugging down a scalding pot
of coffee, or the partially stoned clerk
trying to live through another graveyard
shift. And especially don't forget those
heroes in middle-class "Beantown"
who dropped dead at 45 from digesting the
same quality products still served to this
day.
Nick
Genisauski is an English major and a student
at Cal State Long Beach.
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