Thinking
outside the box with $87 billion
Nick
Genisauski
Just
last week, two years after Sept. 11, a man
from New York encased himself in a wooden
air cargo crate and shipped himself to Texas
-- reason being he couldn't afford to fly
coach. Coach -- now there is something the
U.S. government should invest in. Think
of all the money our government is spending
on airport security training. My suggestion
to them is simple -- stop the charade. For
many, failure seems to be a common word
linked to the Bush Administration. Are we
being too rough on "dubble-ya"
and the posse? Lately there's been more
egg on the Bush Administrations face than
on Schwarzenegger's jacket. We'll just say
that the $87 billion is a delicious side
of sizzling bacon.
How
many ways can $87 billion be divided? Without
getting mathematical, I would have to say
quite a few. Is the money going to the rebuilding
of Iraq or the war on terrorism -- are they
two matters in one? $43 billion should be
divided among the families who lost loved
ones on Sept. 11. The other $43 billion
should go to the first person that spills
the beans about who really fell asleep at
the wheel that Tuesday morning. What about
that extra one billion left? That will go
to the cattle prods and the hired help who
use them on our elected officials if they
ever think about leaving Lady Liberty's
bedroom door unlocked again.
If
politicians put as much effort into the
war on terrorism as do single mothers caring
and supporting for their young, maybe we'd
be a few steps closer to bin Laden -- remember
that guy? It has been so long since we've
heard from him that I would imagine by now
he's residing in Florida, driving a Mary
Kay Cadillac and has a Sunday tee-time with
"The Juice."
But
let us add up the dividends we get from
investing just one hundred billion into
Iraq. The United States gets a cool deck
of novelty playing cards with 52 of your
favorite Iraqi goons in each pack -- readily
available at your local 7-Eleven -- remember,
a chemical Ali beats a Dr. Germ. And hey,
you can't beat having the heads of Uday
and Qusay stuffed and mounted above George
JR's mantle.
Do
we realize how much $87 billion is? I hate
to be glib -- actually I love it -- but
that price tag could have funded the construction
of a three-mile wide retractable tennis
racket strategically positioned around "high
risk" metropolitan areas. Should a
nuclear catastrophe be eminent, the defense
department would raise the Wilsons -- brand
names can't hurt -- and proceed to swat
away those pesky warheads back to the country
of origin -- no blood on our hands.
Another
option is to extend a kind hand to those
who'd like to annihilate us -- kill em'
with kindness! Offer the terrorists employment
opportunities in the United States. Let
them experience the joy of jury duty or
driving Highway 101 on a jug of Jim Beam.
Give them the freedoms, benefits and especially
perks we behold as U.S. citizens! The effect
might be that they'll feel sorry for us
infidels, and cease the violence directed
at the stars and stripes.
Conventional
methods of defense are a thing of the past.
The terrorists and rogue nations know what
to expect -- a careless airport employee
or an entrusting American. Remember, many
of those airport employees started out in
the drive-thru's of America, forgetting
to place your fries in the bag or washing
their hands after taking a squat. 3,000
dead on Sept. 11 cannot be justified, but
what should be is the astronomical sticker
price on our country's safety. Recall George
leading the rescue teams and Port Authority
of New York in a stirring "USA"
chant over the towers' rubble -- what happened
to that patriotism, that charisma and that
fire? I guess we should ease up on Bush
-- he gave it a shot. But with an $87 billion
plus budget, it's high time we begin thinking
outside the box -- or inside in this case
-- like the man from New York who used the
porous skin of our homeland security to
his advantage.
Nick
Genisauski is an English major and a student
at Cal State Long Beach.
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