Find
humor in holiday gatherings
Exactly what kind of holiday is Thanksgiving
anyway? The time off school and work is
appreciated, but let’s take a look at what
we’re celebrating before we get all jubilant.
If
anything, Thanksgiving is a pain. Great,
I get two days off but nothing’s open except
movie theaters. And God forbid you have
to go to the grocery store on Thursday because
if you do, you’re screwed. I used to work
at one of these places and Thanksgiving
is by far the worst day of the year for
that person bagging groceries. If you must
go to the store, watch these people like
hawks. They don’t get paid enough to deal
with the stress that comes with last-minute
shoppers.
Thanksgiving
forces family to get together. Fortunately
for me, I enjoy spending time with both
sides of my family, but I know people who
would rather go to the dentist than see
their relatives.
When
you’re sitting around the table this year
and that crazy aunt of yours starts spouting
off about Iraq and Osama bin Laden and a
bunch of others things she knows nothing
about, glance around and take notes. The
gluttony involved in Thanksgiving dinner
couldn’t possibly be something other nations
dislike about the good ol’ U.S. of A, now
could it?
Thanksgiving
may be great, but not if you’re a turkey.
Words don’t exist to properly explain what
these creatures must be going through. They
have to know they’re going to die. Eleven
months of the year they’re hanging out,
gobbling or whatever it is they do, and
then November hits. Halloween for turkeys
is like an inmate on death row’s last hoorah
because once it’s time to flip that calendar,
those birds suddenly form huge targets on
their backs. In turkey talk, November equals
genocide.
This
Thanksgiving marks my five-year anniversary
of being a vegetarian. I was at my aunt’s
house and decided to protest. For some reason,
eating a turkey didn’t seem like the right
thing to do. I mean, it’s so expected and
I’ve always been one to swim upstream so
I figured to stick to potatoes and rolls
that day. Then it became a test. One day
turned into one week and next thing I knew,
I was so hooked on tofu I would have shot
it into my veins.
I’m
not telling anyone to do what I did. You
want to eat turkey? Fine, go right ahead.
But if you’ve ever had doubts, now’s the
time to act on them. Even everyone’s favorite
old, bald raver turned adult contemporary
singer Moby thinks I’m right. The man who
created his own accent has teamed up with
the People for the Ethical Treatment of
Animals to campaign against turkey farms.
Moby is by far the most annoying person
on this planet and I hope his message doesn’t
get lost in his weirdness.
Finally,
Thanksgiving means Christmas is right around
the corner. Is it just me or is Christmas
about to consume the entire month of December?
Maybe Christians are jealous of Jews. Let’s
face it, the idea of celebrating and getting
gifts for eight straight nights is way cooler
than waking up super-early once a year.
The world may persecute them for just about
everything, but there’s no denying the Jews
know how to party.
Ryan
Ritchie is a journalism major at Cal State
Long Beach.
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