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diversions
Roundup: Vince
McMahon to surprise fans
Fans, a World Wrestling Federation employee has sent me information
that affects the main event for "WrestleMania X-Seven"
this Sunday.
WWF owner Vince
McMahon will add a new stipulation to the world championship
title bout between "Stone Cold" Steve Austin and
The Rock. This is a Wrestling Roundup exclusive: a draft of
the promo Vince McMahon read at last night "SmackDown!"
taping in Detroit.
Read no further
if you do not want to know what will air on "SmackDown!"
tomorrow.
[Cue "No Chance
in Hell" entry song; walk to ring to loud jeers]
"As the world
knows, 'WrestleMania' is the single most important pay-per-view
event in professional wrestling. This year's event will be
the biggest and best 'WrestleMania' in history, I guarantee
it. The WWF will deliver great matches, especially one I am
proud of, the gimmick battle royal, which will feature stars
such as Kim Chee, Brother Love, Doink the Clown and everyone's
favorite, the Gobbeldy Gooker. Yeah!"
[Pause for crowd
response]
"That is not
why I am here tonight. Frankly, I could think of a million
other less-depressing things to do tonight than to be here
in Detroit."
[Pause for chorus
of boos and "a—hole" chants]
"I could gloat
about single-handedly controlling professional wrestling,
since I am now the owner of World Championship Wrestling and
also have most of Extreme Championship Wrestling's talent
under contract, including owner Paul Heyman."
[Pause for mixture
of cheers, boos and "a—hole" chants]
"I am not
here to drone on about the World Wrestling Federation decimating
its two leading competitors. I am here to announce a very
important change to the main event, featuring The Rock [pause
for cheers] and "Stone Cold" Steve Austin [pause
for longer, louder cheers]. Because this is for the WWF world
heavyweight title, and because 'WrestleMania' is judged by
the quality of its main event match, I thought I would make
a huge change.
"The Rock
and 'Stone Cold' will now face each other in a good, old-fashioned
object-on-a-pole match. Two poles, nine feet in length, will
be placed at two diagonally opposite corners of the ring."
[Point to right-hand
corner]
"In one corner
is a pole with an old pair of boots and a bucket full of mud.
In order for Austin to win the match, he must put on the clodhoppers,
dip them in the bucket and then stomp a mudhole in The Rock
and walk it dry!"
[Pause for cheers;
point to left hand-corner]
"In the other
corner, a pole will have the WWF world heavyweight championship
belt and a can of Brasso wrapped in a rag. In order for Rock
to win the match, he must take the Brasso and the rag, shine
the belt up, turn it sideways and [raise voice] stick it straight
up 'Stone Cold''s candy a—!"
[Pause for loud
cheers]
"In the interest
of fairness, I think this is the only way to settle the feud
between 'Stone Cold' Steve Austin and The Rock. Since Austin
likes to brag about stomping mudholes in people and walking
them dry, and Rock seems to enjoy threatening his opponents
with sodomy, I thought this match would suit both men's interests."
[Cue Stone Cold's
and Rock's entry music; segue to Austin and Rock promos]
The rest of the
promo involves a back-and-forth exchange of words between
Austin and Rock, followed by both men beating up McMahon for
easy cheers.
Wow, both Rock
and Austin must do something that involves a hole to win the
match. Sounds like the makings of a classic match.
Until next week,
fans, keep watching.
Chris Ledermuller
is a print journalism major at Cal State Long Beach.
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