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diversions
WWF looking for
new recruits to fill voids
Fans, the major news
from last week involved Stacy Carter, better known as "Kat,"
and her husband, Jerry "the King" Lawler. The WWF
released Carter last Tuesday without any details as to why.
Lawler, in protest of the move, supported his wife and resigned.
Kat was working
a story line one day where she got kidnapped by the Right
to Censor after threatening to strip on the "No Way Out"
pay-per-view, should she win a match. The Right to Censor
tried to reform her into…umm, not a good, moral woman, but
at least less of a trollop. Then, the WWF cut Kat loose.
Lawler heard about
the news and resigned, choosing to stick behind his honey
rather than his bread. By doing so, the WWF must now fill
Lawler's royal shoes as commentator on "Raw," "SmackDown"
and even XFL programming.
While the viewing
public is spared from Lawler reverting to the behavior of
a 12-year-old boy at the sight of T&A, he still had his
moments where he provided witty banter.
Jim Ross cannot
call matches alone, so someone must fill the void. The WWF
should do what movie critic Roger Ebert did after longtime
partner Gene Siskel passed away, install a guest commentator.
Here is a list
of possible personalities with key advantages and drawbacks:
Tazz. Advantage:
His work on "Sunday Night Heat" has been widely
praised considering his inexperience as a broadcaster. Disadvantage:
He, like Rose on "The Golden Girls" who talked about
growing up in St. Olaf, talks too much about his hometown,
the Red Hook area of Brooklyn, paying little attention to
matches.
Bobby Heenan. Advantage:
He isn't called "the Brain" for nothing. He is the
funniest commentator alive, and if he can work off a straight
man like he did with the late Gorilla Monsoon, his material
is golden. Disadvantage: He recently made an appearance in
"Women of Wrestling," which means he's going places
? all downhill.
Shawn Michaels.
Advantage: His fan appeal alone will bring in ratings, regardless
of how good he is. His cameo appearances since he retired
from active competition always generate big-time fan interest.
Disadvantage: The WWF would probably spend more time teasing
a Michaels return to the ring by having wrestlers antagonize
him while he does commentary, so nobody would be able to hear
how good he can be.
Mick Foley. Advantage:
He has many. Foley is a very good talker, he is immensely
popular and now that he is no longer WWF commissioner, he
has a lot of time on his hands. WWF can't go wrong with Foley
as a color man. Disadvantage: Like Michaels, the commentary
position might be used as a vehicle to get Foley back in the
ring. Sure, Foley can be great calling matches, but the real
money is getting him to dive 20 feet off the top of a steel
cage, like he did in his now-famous "Hell in the Cell"
match.
William Regal.
Advantage: The British accent is great to get heat as a highbrow
snob. Disadvantage: Apart from calling Trish Stratus a "buxom
wench," he probably does not have any other funny lines.
Joel Gertner. Advantage:
Now that Extreme Championship Wrestling is all but dead, the
WWF should not deny the world Gertner's signature brand of
double entendres and dirty limericks. Disadvantage: The dirty
limericks do not work if the television audience can hear
them but fans in attendance of the live shows cannot.
Triple H. Advantage:
He improves his speech day-by-day, and working as a commentator
might give him the polish he needs. Disadvantage: He still
takes 20 minutes to get a single point across. Just watch
any "Raw" or "SmackDown" opening.
Vince McMahon.
Advantage: He spent most of his career as a commentator, and
there's no better person to root for heels than the most hated
man in the federation. Disadvantage: Sure, he was a play-by-play
man, but he was never good at it. He would prematurely call
pinfalls ? "One, two, three! No" ? and he refers
to nearly every wrestling hold as "what a move!"
Until next week,
fans, keep watching.
Chris Ledermuller
is a print journalism major.
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