Wrestling Roundup looks to the new year

World Wrestling Federation

• With "Stone Cold" Steve Austin back on the scene, The Rock will establish himself as the "most electrifying tag team wrestler in sports entertainment." His partner will be named A Hard Place.
  
  
• Triple H, who admitted to running over Austin several weeks ago, will confess to the world that he was Keyser Soze in the 1995 movie "The Usual Suspects," thus solving a mystery that has captivated the film world.
  
  
• The WWF proves to the world how successful its marketing department is by peddling exercise tapes featuring Rikishi. It will be a blockbuster.
  
  
• The feud between the World Wrestling Federation and the World Wildlife Fund over the wwf.com site will be settled when the main event at Wrestlemania in Houston features Undertaker wrestling a giant panda in a hardcore match.
  
  
• Someone will watch a match featuring Tiger Ali Singh Ö willingly!

• ECW's World Wide Web page, ecwwrestling.com, will display a counter displaying how many consecutive days Scott Hall remains out of trouble.
  
  
• Tommy Dreamer will finally win the ECW world title and hold onto it for a month. He will then retire and put himself out to stud.
  
  
• New Jack demonstrates why he batters people with weapons instead of wrestling when he manages to botch a shoulder tackle Ö while on offense.
  
  
• Justin Credible will form a supergroup with four other Justins with the same play on names: Justin Toxicated, Justin Excusable, Justin Case and Justin Competent.
  
  
• Owner Paul Heyman, in dire financial straits, will abandon the federation he helped grow and nurture to take a position in the WWF. He will be known as Paul E. Holly, the manager of Bob, Crash and Molly Holly.

Until next semester, fans, keep watching.

Chris Ledermuller is a print journalism major at Cal State Long Beach.

World Championship Wrestling

• Ted Turner will sell the struggling federation to the Harris Brothers. The asking price: two drinks and two sandwiches.
  
  
• "Above Average" Mike Sanders will be kicked out of the Natural Born Thrillers and find a spot with the Misfits in Action. He will be given the rank of Colonel.
  
  
• Vince Russo will recover from his injuries, only to announce he will leave WCW for a job where his intellect will be an asset. Yes, he will write for Comedy Central's "The Man Show."
  
  
• WCW will reveal that Hulk Hogan did not really leave the federation. He was merely lost until the crew found a fossil in the ring truck that ultimately turned out to be Hogan.
  
  
• To boost live-event attendance, which is at an all-time low, WCW will promise a hooker and a beer for every kind under 12 with paid admission.