Roundup: WWF dabbles in election politics

Fans, as you are aware, the World Wrestling Federation is dabbling in election-year politics.

"Smackdown Your Vote," the WWF's counterattack to the Democrats' and Republicans' assault on entertainment industry depravity, seeks to register fans as voters and even dares Vice President Al Gore and Texas Gov. George W. Bush to hold a debate moderated by former wrestler and current Minnesota Gov. Jesse Ventura.

Now, imagine if Gore and Bush did the unthinkable and answered the WWF's dare. Here is what the debates would look like if the WWF ran the show: Gore and Bush would bicker over debate formats, just like they did earlier this year. The WWF has already settled what the three formats will be. The first will be Gore and Bush one-on-one, the second will be the parties' candidates for president and vice president in a tag-team debate, and the third will feature Tipper Gore and Laura Bush debating -- in thong bikinis.

After the tag-team contest, political experts and wrestling fans quickly log on the Internet, noting how Lieberman and Cheney carried their partners.

Right to Censor interrupts the debates to protest Bull Buchanan's brother, Pat, not being invited on stage with Gore and Bush.

Chris Ledermuller

During a question-and-answer session, Raven makes a cogent statement about national health care. He would say: "Every time I turn on the television or pick up a newspaper, I see two well-heeled gentlemen desiring to be the ruler of the free world proposing health benefits for the country's oldest citizens.

As these geezers witness their feeble bodies decay and wrinkle day after day, they will get Medicare and prescription benefits. Meanwhile, I have to continue enduring the agony of living with a festering chancre on my a--. Sure, seniors are coddled and promised decent health benefits for their votes. What about me? What about Raven?"

Anytime Bush mispronounces a simple word, The Rock lays the smack down on him.

Any time Gore lies, "Stone Cold" Steve Austin stomps a mud hole in him and walks it dry.

Supporters of Ralph Nader, Pat Buchanan, Harry Browne, John Hagelin and Howard Phillips are upset about minor party candidates not being given their chance to compete in a debate battle royal.

Listening to advice from debate strategist Mick Foley, Gore says the name of the city where debates are held for an easy cheer. He gains 25 points in the polls.

Instead of trying to use intelligent arguments to win the debates, Bush will have Cheney distract Ventura while he cold-cocks Gore with a foreign object.

Gore plays to the wrestling fans by finishing all of his statements with, "...and that, my friends, is a shoot."

Because he is making a fortune off professional wrestling, WWF President Vince McMahon asks Bush and Gore if they have the "grapefruits" to give a tax cut.

All this and more can be seen on pay-per-view, coming soon.

Chris Ledermuller is a print journalism major at Cal State Long Beach.