Many candidates but only one gets roasted
By Eric Boyum
This pre-Y2K Turkey of the Year Award has
many candidates.
However, only one person, all things considered,
can be the most deserving of being roasted over an open-fire pit.
1999 TURKEY
OF THE YEAR AWARD
|
This tradition begins with the committee
handing out dinner invitations for candidates. The committee is proud to
announce that our first candidate is a female guest at the table this year.
Although she is in only her second year
of consideration for the award, 49er soccer Head Coach Julie Cochran, should
be in rare form at dinner this Thanksgiving.
Cochran revoked field privileges for the
men's club soccer team just before a club-soccer game at George Allen Field,
which shows just how cordial of a host Cochran can be.
Her rude behavior, which includes whining
about lack of scholarships, financial support and the need for positive
media coverage for her program, displays her need for a pacifier more than
any of our guests at the table.
Perhaps next year's committee should consider
suspending Cochran's invitation until she grows-up and becomes better mannered.
Heavyweight boxer Evander Holyfield is
the most guilty of using religious faith to fool the general public into
believing he is a good guy.
This candidate for the 1999 Turkey of the
Year Award is no longer fooling anyone.
His reputation for womanizing and hiding
it behind his trust in Christianity is the thing that make awards like
this necessary.
After all, this deserving turkey has eight
illegitimate children.
By receiving the gift of a draw against
WBC Heavyweight Champion Lennox Lewis early this year, which set up another
fight against Lewis for millions of dollars two weeks ago, should have
Holyfield feeling more thankful than anyone this season.
L.A. Dodgers pitcher Kevin Brown is one
of the most overstuffed turkeys this year. Brown, who showed no loyalty
to the San Diego Padres World Series team in 1998 by signing with their
hated rivals this year, needs to pay back the entire city of Los Angeles
for being the most non-impact $125 million dollar man ever.
Given this, the committee has decided to
not invite him to dinner and simply send him the dinner bill.
NFC Championship member and running back
of the Atlanta Falcons, Jamal Anderson, is a prime candidate for the award
this year.
The committee had no problem inviting him
after his extensive holdout from training camp this summer, which was in
protest over his current contract. However, given the committee's holiday
spirit, we found it in our hearts to invite this hard-luck chump based
upon his blowing out his knee on a non-contact play just weeks after missing
camp. Now the leader of this flock of dirtybirds finds himself helpless
on the grill, a direct reason why their will be no ridiculous dancing at
this year's Super Bowl by the flash-in-the-pan Falcons.
Former Minnesota Golden Gopher's basketball
Head Coach Clem Haskins sits at the head of the table for his influence
on more than 400 student athletes over the past 10 years. Clem "The Gem"
has simply outdone himself by being too gracious in arranging for his student-athletes
on the team to have term papers written for them. With the spirit of giving
in the air, the committee was anxiously awaiting the day it could proudly
crown Haskins as the 1999 Turkey of the Year.
However, the committee will designate Haskins
as the runner-up to this award due to the freakish events surrounding one
athlete's actions this year.
Our 1999 Turkey of the Year Award goes
to an athlete who tried to con everyone.
This former Michigan State defensive lineman
was drafted in the first round of the 1999 NFL amateur entry draft by the
Minnesota Vikings.
After leaving training camp just days after
signing a three-year, $12-million contract, he disappeared.
Found four days later by a reporter while
sleeping in his car, this new millionaire had only eight dollars in his
pocket.
He then returned to the Vikings' training
camp days later, only to negotiate his own buy-out in which he received
all of his $ 500,000 signing bonus.
As a free-agent, he was then signed for
more money by the Miami Dolphins and disappeared again.
This time, he was found laying on a sidewalk
street, bleeding profusely from his neck.
Appearing agitated when police arrived,
he claimed he was attacked with a knife. He was indeed attacked allright,
by himself.
In a staged insurance fraud scheme, this
6-foot-5, 250-pound man had self inflicted this wound to his neck with
a knife. This turkey had tried to carve himself!
With such an act, the committee is proud
to announce the winner of the 1999 Turkey of the Year Award: Demetrius
Underwood. |
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